Middle Class Where Goest Thou? (A Tale of Fear or Solidarity)

My friend Ed Ward, who moved back to the US from Europe a little more than one year ago, provides his first year in review here. Like me, he is on the fence – some things are good and some things European he misses (food prices!). He is still “broke, not poor”, if a little less so. I like his motto, which he has promoted for many years, and which is an expression of hope that this state we are in is a temporary one.

As a recently turned single (-income) parent I myself have changed from very affluent to pretty strapped financially – supporting half the number of family members at this household on 20% of the former combined salary and not a single asset to call my own anymore.  A little scary at age 50. But thanks to supportive friends, family and employer, and a socio-economic system that assures health care, retirement and education (and no, it’s not free, I pay taxes and contributions for it) – thanks to all that, we manage quite well.  And we will soon start to pass on the solidarity and add a member to the household, probably a young student from a less fortunate country. So I’ll change Ed’s motto to “poor, but fortunate”.

Not everyone here feels this way. A small, but growing number of people in Germany could now be described as “still pretty fortunate, but vaguely pissed off”. Yes, Germany now has its own Tea Party! A new social movement called Pegida, which stands for patriotic citizens against the “Islamisation” of the occident. Really, the occident.  Pegida and their especially inept and shady leaders (reminds one of Sarah Palin and the likes) provide much amusement to the media, comedians and the twitter community. Yet, every Monday they meet in growing numbers (last rally had 17,000) in Dresden and now in other cities, and protest – not sure what exactly…. since foreign nationals of Islamic faith comprise something like 1.2 % of the population of that state, Sachsen. Pegida people chant “We are the people”, copying the peaceful revolutionaries of 1989 East Germany. And they march for peace - but I am not sure what kind of peace they are thinking of.  The peace of a racially homogenous society, maybe. They are a bunch of ignorant dimwits, just like the US Tea Party. But they come from the same environment of middle class fear that the Tea Party emerged from.

And they do worry the shit out of the political establishment. This week, voices from the ruling party CDU emerged, saying that the traditionally conservative CDU moved so much to the middle, to social democratic policy positions, to an open society welcoming refugees, and to embracing the EU, and as a result they have lost some of the more right wing constituents on the way. This is probably a somewhat accurate description of what happened here. Is the reaction of the CDU and the AfP (that's our new Anti-EU Party) going to be what the GOP did in the US, which is embrace the Tea Party and let it take over? I doubt it.  Of course in Germany, we worry about right wing, racist movements way more than we do in the US.

And on the US side of the fence? Tom Schimmeck, a columnist with our local paper who loves and is very familiar with the US feels after a recent visit that the spirit of the citizens has been broken – the dishwashers don’t believe the millionaire story anymore.  He says that while the economic statistics are promising, the current recovery and economic growth happens without the middle class, which is now 40% poorer than before the recession. Income inequality continues to rise, and education has become just another for-profit line of business, just like prisons and health care. (Btw- our little family is looking forward to welcoming the first educational ‘refugees’ from Silver City next fall.)

It’s true- looking at the US from this side of the fence is totally depressing these days. The persistence of structural racism evidenced by police violence and a failing justice system, the report on CIA torture and subsequent discussions, the result of the recent elections, and the loss of all the progressive enthusiasm of the first Obama years. The hope we had that policy may be about people again – health care reform about healthy people, immigration reform about hard working families –gone. Instead, corporations are now considered people and propaganda and the influence of money on policy is now considered protected free speech. And the next elections? Bush III vs. Clinton II ? Money rules.

I think living in a small, predominantly progressive community like Silver City for all these years made it easier to handle- you could always rest assured in the warm community spirit and believe that the country had not completely gone to shit, and then rant of facebook about all the bad things from a protected place. I don’t know whether this is good or bad or both.  Is it collective illusion or a supportive oasis, where we make small local improvements, when we can’t affect the big picture anymore?  

Benny, at age 10 and living again in Silver City, loves it there, but he also worries about the people in Sudan and the refugees from Syria living in Berlin. And on Christmas Eve he cries and wonders why he is so privileged and others are so poor, sick with Ebola or displaced by war. It affects him deeply, emotionally. Us socialists here in occidental Europe call that solidarity.  I am proud of my middle class global citizen son.

One Year and Counting

When you are part of the global tribe, when you are familiar and at home in more than one culture, people ask a lot of questions: So what is this like for you? ….What do you miss most?.... How are the kids doing?....Is it weird to be back?.... there are never short answers. And I can’t help but constantly update this running pro and con table in my head, hunting for the never-to-be-found answer to the question: what is the better side of the fence?

We have been in Berlin for one year this month. June 11, 2013 was the day we left Silver City, NM.  Since I don’t believe in bearing my soul on the Internet, the rougher personal and emotional aspects of our move won’t be discussed here. This blog is about culture, politics, society, and economics, and how those relate to our lives, of course, personally.  I will try a snapshot of what we learned this year.

It is weird to be back. Until now, I had this rule in my life: Never go back to a place you have already been. I am not sure why, but it just wasn’t something I did. I always moved forward. Just breaking that rule in itself is weird and new.  Back to GO, the place of origin.

What helped was that Berlin is probably one of the places in the world that has changed the most radically over the last 20 years. If not the most changed place of all – in terms of the built environment and the culture, mostly. This is of course even more true if one is from East-Berlin. “Ossis” also changed political and economic systems. “Wessis” just had the fact changed that there was a wall around the place and that we were a small, provincial, over-subsidized pool of standing water with a high opinion of our subculture status, not really part of West-Germany, and certainly not part of the surrounding geography. Now Berlin is a full-blown European and global metropolis with most of the advantages, and a growing set of disadvantages, mainly rising cost of housing. But it is still cheaper to live here than in any other city in Germany, and way cheaper than in London or Paris.

So it wasn’t really like going back. It was going to a new place, with a lot of familiar cultural stuff, and the old West-Berlin neighborhoods looking largely the same.

There were a lot of unknowns when we first got here. Would the kids be able to manage school? Would I find a job in this tight job market? What’s the nonprofit sector like here? Would we survive a Berlin winter?  Would my friends remember me?

Most of these questions have been partially answered after one year.  The winter wasn’t so harsh, some friends turned out to be friends and others have moved on.  Engaging in the joy and labor of gently reconnecting with some of them, with their new 20-years later selves. The nonprofit sector has a slightly different role here and sits in a different environment. The German nonprofits themselves feel like very familiar territory. And I have found a job, and it has brought me the level-up in professionalism and challenge that I had wished for, for many years.

One thing I have learned: If I make assumptions about my children, they are probably going to be wrong.  All three have proven that this year, in different ways. From a parenting perspective, this has probably been the hardest year of my life, the most challenging and puzzling, frustrating year, taking me to an unknown edge I didn’t know existed: the point of not knowing how to handle a situation or behavior. And at the same time, my children have made it the most rewarding and reassuring year:  I have seen my older kids grow more into themselves, take the challenge of the new environment, deal with their loss and grief caused by moving. All of them have widened their horizon, their perspective, their relationships and have learned a lot – mostly not in school. None of them have done what and how I expected them to do 12 months ago.

What do I miss most? Of course my husband, and my oldest daughter. My husband.... lover, partner, co-parent.  Then the people of Silver City, and the few close friends I had.  Our spring break trip to Mexico.  Mexican food, sometimes. The Gila River. Our beautiful house. The Tour of the Gila.

What do I appreciate most here? My family (parents, sister, cousin) close by and spending time with them on a regular basis. My family. And then, my family. A few good friends. Being able to go to a movie and concerts, theater. The beauty of Berlin, its parks and lakes and its surroundings, much of which we have yet to explore. Being able to drive to Italy in a day. Living in a buzzling, global, diverse city with interesting politics and always something new going on. My kids being part of an international community at their school. The wild life in our backyard, and its giant old trees swaying in the wind at night. How cheap everything is.  That this is now part of Europe, which is a whole new perspective. My neighbor, who is nice and weird and feeds our cats when we are gone. And a socio-economic system that is still based on solidarity, even though it’s being whittled away, but the idea is still that you should be able to live your life not being in constant terror about paying for healthcare, child care, education, transportation, and that it is ok to pay taxes for this.

So for now, from this perspective of politics, culture, education, economics….this is the better side of the fence for us – but only if our family becomes complete again.

Five tricks to make sure you get what you want from a Berlin bureaucrat

One of the more anxiety producing aspects of moving here were the many visits to public offices I had to make: registering us at our new house, applying for an ID and a drivers’ license (two separate documents here), applying for passports for the kids (still unaccomplished, because the officials here insist on the completely nonsensical step of sending an inquiry to the embassy in Houston, which has never heard of my kids, and the inquiry is probably sitting on the “I don’t know what the fuck to do with this” - pile on someone’s desk ), updating the civic records (I am still working on this nightmare, and according to the German system I am still married to Rory’s dad), getting health insurance, applying for benefits (Kindergeld!), dealing with the property management company (on getting a “pet permit”, among other things, in which you have to describe the cat, its age, breed, sexual status, and whether it will roam the yard or not. Then they send you the permit, which you have to sign and send back. Wow.)

Some lessons I learned:


1. Don't take No for an answer

In Berlin, when you ask a bureaucrat for something, the first answer will always be a standard gruff “No.” or if you are lucky, a “Well, that’s not as easy as you think.” No reason to lose hope. No does NOT mean no. It means, really, you are going to bother me with this shit? Just keep asking, explaining, politely insisting. The more you talk to them, the more the human connection develops, difficulties will eventually unravel, barriers melt away.


2. Let them go through their process

I applied for an “education coupon” at the Department of Labor to fund the EU Grant Writer Certificate course I am taking. It was a five step/five person/five appointment process, filling out forms, getting registered as unemployed (but not receiving benefits), entering all my information into their database and finally pitching my case for the coupon. I patiently went through all of it (in particular, painfully watching my caseworker slowly enter my work history while completely lacking the ability to type or spell).

I didn’t even mention the coupon idea until my caseworker had done her whole thing and had gotten to know me. We talked about her cats, too (Maine Coons). Then it was a breeze – she approved the 6,000 Euro plus a public transportation pass for 6 months, right away. Ka-ching!


3. Respect their work

The first thing we had to do was register ourselves at our new place of residence. In the process, working with the clerk, the ugly truth came out: I had failed to unregister from my dad’s place, where I was registered in the late 90ies so I could vote (and, I admit, receive Kindergeld for Rory). My dad has not lived there for several years…..The clerk was not happy: “How long ago did you leave there?” I said, at least 12 years ago, and then I made the mistake: I chuckled at my careless oversight of proper process. She stopped, turned from her computer and gave me the stern look. Then she said: "It’s not funny. (pause) We are trying to run a citizen registry here. "

Oops. After I apologized, she came back around, and was really helpful.


4. Don't write someone off as an asshole

I gotta tell the bus driver story here. Benny and I are on the way to the Halloween store, late October weekday, rush hour. Berlin double decker bus, stuffed with people (and another empty bus of course right behind it). Bus drivers are sort of a type of bureaucrat, public employees, selling and checking tickets, and calmly negotiating insane Berlin traffic while trying to obey the rules… which becomes hard when there is too many people on the bus. Passengers start conglomerating in the walkways, on the stairs, and what’s worse, in front of the exits, which makes the doors open and close madly. At this point, our driver loses it, publicly, on the PA, for everyone to witness: “OK, FINE. WE ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU IDIOTS STEP AWAY FROM THE DOOR!” Then he rants on about how he is going to lose his license if anyone gets hurt while hanging out in the walkways. He is yelling at the top of his lungs in Berlin dialect, using cusswords. People are leaving the bus, because they feel offended by this, not without first engaging in a shouting match with the driver on the way out – there’s lots of time now because a new wave of people-sheep is idiotically blocking the doors. Benny and I squeeze out at our stop, stunned by all the urban aggression we were just exposed to.


We buy black contact lenses and a cape at Deko-Behrend. On the way back, we get on the bus and this time we have to buy tickets (it was before I got the pass from Department of Labor), which is usually a harrowing experience. As we get on, Benny says under his breath, look, it’s the same asshole driver. I manage: “One regular and one discount ticket”. He looks at me and sighs, and then bombards me with a series of questions, kind of like when you try to order breakfast at an American restaurant: which tariff zone, short route or long route, etc etc. I try to respond, unsure whether our planned trip still qualifies as short route (less than 6 stops). He takes a breath and says, very patiently and nicely: "So, where are you going?"  I respond “Rathaus Steglitz”, and he considers this for a second. Then, he smilingly sells us short route tickets, even though it is actually more stops. We walk upstairs, stunned by how nice the asshole can be, even bending the rules and saving us a few bucks. Go figure. 

5. Humor the humor

Banking works really differently here. No checks, just transfers. Most of these you can do online, but sometimes I have to go and fill out the transfer form, and hand it to the teller. She is the only teller at the bank, handling all the customer traffic, standing on her feet all day behind a counter. I can’t believe they don’t give her a bar stool at least. There are always at least 6 people in line. There are about 10 other employees at this branch, they all have desks and cushy chairs, sit there and shuffle papers, and I have no idea what the fuck they do all day.

Anyway, this poor lady takes my filled out transfer form. 

I go: Can you check that I did everything right? This is the dilemma of the repatriated: I look German, am German by name, speak German without an accent, and I come across like a complete idiot because I don’t know how banking works. Like someone locked me in a basement for 20 years and I turned into a savage. The teller knows though, because I had explained to her previously: I have lived abroad, and I need to re-learn the German stuff.

So she smiles benevolently, looking at my form, and then turns it over. On the back there is a kind of legend that shows idiots like me how to write numbers - so the computer can read them. You have to cross your sevens. And your ones have to have the little extra roof line, that makes it look like an American 7. I feel like an idiot. Then she turns the form back over and says, in an attempt at bureaucrat humor: ‘Damit wir hier aktiv werden, muessen Sie das noch unterschreiben.” Sort of: “For us to do anything with this, you are going to have to sign it, too.” Duh. I am a little offended, but then I realize, this is not mean. It’s just Berlin humor. It’s coarse, it’s in dialect, and it always comes across “belehrend”, arrogantly instructive. But it’s usually good hearted. It’s called “Berliner Schnauze” and it gets them through the day.


P.S. Of course, just because Berliners are generally rude, it doesn’t mean there are no assholes here. There are plenty of them, too.

On Introverts

We have been in Berlin for exactly 5 months. While we have a home, schools, work and lots of family time, our social lives are somewhat limited still. Two of us are basically content, despite that fact. For the other two, the absence of their strong Silver City lifelong friendships has left a big gaping social hole. Wondering about how differently people respond to challenges such as this made me think about introvert and extrovert personality types. I wrote most of the content of this post first, and then surfed around the internet, only to realize that other people have been talking and writing about this recently too.

This past summer, a recovering corporate lawyer named Susan Cain published a whole book about the extrovert culture bias and how introverts are undervalued: “QUIET: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”. She describes convincingly how schools and the workplace reflect that bias. Many additional smart things have since been written and said in response to her interesting argument. (I won’t litter links all over this, just google it.) So I probably don’t have all that much to add…. But since this is a cultural issue, it is also an “On the Fence” topic.

We all know that today, society rewards extroverts. And we have all bought into this to some degree. We tend to think positively of the people who are “out there”, who are visible, verbal, performing. We admire them as leaders, team players and trailblazers, perceive them as people who get things done, have a lot of friends, and operate within human networks effectively.

Introverts, on the other hand, are viewed as reclusive weirdos who stay to themselves. You never quite know what they’re doing, you just know it doesn’t relate to you or to other people - and that makes their activities suspicious, and sometimes makes the extroverts angry. Introverts are annoyingly content without the company of others. They don’t play by the rules. They probably don’t feel the need to spread their private lives out publicly all over social media networks.

They are forced to switch camps, though, sometimes….: The TED talk of Susan Cain, now the official spokesperson of the introvert tribe, has been watched almost 5 1/2 million times, and ironically she has received the Golden Gavel Award for Communication and Leadership, by a group that, one could argue, tries to turn people into extroverts - the International Toastmasters.

Of course the introvert and the extrovert personality types are two extreme poles. We need both of them. Most people are somewhere in between, and, if they have managed to develop a somewhat balanced personality, they unite the healthier aspects of both types. But the world loves extroverts. If you are parent or a partner of an introvert, you are constantly under pressure to explain or fix their behavior. I am not sure how and how many times my poor husband had to explain my absence at the political fundraisers he attends. Hopefully people just stopped asking at some point.

Introverts are under constant pressure to become more outgoing. But I think extroverts are actually more vulnerable. They depend more on the constant recognition and gratification of others. So maybe extroverts are just people who act out, or have found other ways to overcome their shyness? Michelle Pfeiffer and Robert De Niro were in Berlin recently to introduce their new movie, and when interviewed both said they were really shy people. It made me snort first, but then they said being on stage or on camera is an act of overcoming shyness every time. The introvert doesn’t need to do this, because he is not shy. He is just an introvert. So leave him or her alone.

The full-blown extrovert needs company all the time, or at least people around him. When I first moved to the desert 20 years ago, it was in part because I loved the utter emptiness, vastness and quiet of the landscape, and how it threw me back onto myself. I could hear myself think, and just be… without constant human input. I remember some people telling me that they hated the desert. It was too scary how the desert forced them to be with themselves.

The extrovert personality is often associated with leadership (another value-free concept that merits disassembling… but that’ll be a separate post one day). Extroverts lead us, but where to? Leadership is a very scary term in Germany, for obvious historical reasons.

The introvert, on the other hand, is often a thinker, a creator. Introverts have given us great works of literature, music and visual art. Makes me think of John Belushi’s impersonation of Beethoven. Cain points out that Steve Wozniak invented the Apple computer, not Steve Jobs. I am a grant writer, not a fundraiser. I don’t enjoy taking people to lunch and convincing them to write a check. I like holing up with a challenging writing or research project and fine tune my work until it is perfect.

Having moved back to Germany, I feel to a degree I have escaped the noisy US extrovert culture, the glorification of leadership and the exhibitionist aspects of social media. Even though I am in a big city again, the noise around me has quieted down.

However, many facets of that culture have been adopted here in Europe as well. Especially if you are trying to reinvent yourself professionally, you sort of have to locate yourself on the intro-extro spectrum and act accordingly. The competitive job market favors the extrovert, just as in the US. So, how many extrovert “qualities” does one have to demonstrate to land a job? How much do I gush and shine and brag in the job interview?

I decided I am too old for this bullshit. The bullshit of buying into the extrovert culture and playing someone I am not. So I went to a few job interviews, and was just myself. The grant writer, not the fundraiser. The thinker, not the leader. Eventually, it paid off. I got a gig where I can be me.

FAQs Month 4

Are you acclimated yet?

Mmmh….I totally enjoy being here, love the mix of the familiar and unfamiliar, the old and the new. It's all very interesting, engaging, and challenging. And somewhat puzzling, especially how I'll fit in here as a professional. I mostly see family, and not very many friends, but so far I am fine with that. And guess what: There is such a thing as fall here. Autumn! Incredible colors, fresh earthy smell, golden days. That said, I don't think I'll ever completely acclimate anywhere. But that's just me. I like having the view all around from on the fence. Part of the global homeless tribe. There are lots of us in Berlin.

How are the kids?

Ruby, unexpectedly, is having the hardest time. She got handed the worst school deal, too: Her 8^th grade class is one of two classes to form a the second public international school in Berlin, because Nelson Mandela School has reached its limits in terms of size.  But now no one feels responsible, the district hasn’t hired people or made plans for new the school, and the mothership school doesn't seem to care.  So they're stuck in subleased rooms in another school, with no perspective and no connection to the great big school community over at the main Nelson Mandela building.  Parents are now in the process of organizing and advocating – for what I am not sure yet. Ruby’s classmates took some getting used to for her - more girly-girls than Ruby's friends in Silver. All the time she spends on facebook is not helping.

Rory is doing very good, he is attending the college track (IB) program at Nelson Mandela, and it's structured like college, and he'll be able to go to the university anywhere in the world after two years. He has lots of time he can choose how to structure. It's a little scary but seems to work so far. And he has been hugely creative, both with music production, and with working on his longboarding skills. Both count towards school. He also volunteers in a cat shelter, which also counts towards school. Right now he is down with a sprained ankle.

Ben misses his father (not this month, because Charlie is with us), and his friends, but enjoys it here otherwise. He loves his school, and he is starting to make some friends in the hood and gets play dates through other family and friends. He is playing baseball and is on a swim team. He has lots of catching up to do academically before he can enter 4th grade (and not because school is in German), as we feared. I get to do childhood memory things with him, like collecting colorful autumn leaves and chestnuts, and making little animals out of chestnuts and matches.

Is the US officially the most dysfunctional democracy in the world?

Certainly in the eyes of its citizens. But if it’s any consolation, Italy (where we are headed for fall vacation on Friday) is doing worse. Somehow this week they managed to get their whole government to crumble over the power games of ex-head of government Silvio Berlusconi - a convicted felon and crook, who not only owns most of the media outlets but also many politicians. Where the US suffers from the two-party system, Italy suffers from too many parties, and the subsequent intrigues and constantly changing alliances. Germany just had elections two weeks ago, largely unnoticed by the rest of the world, because the results will keep Chancellor Merkel of the Christian Democrats (CDU) in power. That’s the only thing staying the same, though: Her new government will be a new coalition (yes, as in, representatives of different parties agreeing to govern together, sharing cabinet and committee appointments). The coalition will be composed of either CDU and Social Democrats or CDU and Green Party. Very different from the previous partner, the neo-liberal FDP which voters kicked out of parliament with a big bang. So the coalition talks are starting, and may take quite some time. Even though Germans are complaining about the related political posturing and how long the whole thing takes, it seems to me that this is pretty functional democracy at work.

Back to the US: The news we get from there (thanks to NPR Berlin) sounds like reruns from a year ago: Mass shootings and Republicans trying to repeal Health Care Reform. Really? A law that was passed three years ago, by a president who was since re-elected. Don’t get me started.

Are you working?

Little by little. Mostly I am still learning, reading, attending workshops, talking to people. I have a few consulting engagements, and I am working with an awesome consulting firm to put together a series of seminars on strategic philanthropy. There is a word here which describes the prevalent German grantmaker approach: Projectitis. More on what I learned about the German NPO sector will be a separate post soon.

Can we come visit?

Be our guest. You can see this:

Autumn sun going down behind the botanical garden greenhouse - see the guy on top? He is dancing.

..and then there was this little helicopter thing buzzing around. What is it?